All the best
14 years ago
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Blog Post #2: Interpersonal conflict- based on a past experience
A close friend and you planned to take a language elective module together. Both of you have being good friends since secondary school days and are glad to be in the same university. The module conducts 3 tutorials weekly and has about 10 tutorial slots available for each tutorial A, B and C.
The balloting for tutorial slots starts next week. You crossed out slots that clashes with your timetable and sent her a list of timings that she can choose to fit into her schedule. 5 days passed and you had not received any reply. You sent her a SMS to remind her about it but she only got back to you the night before the balloting day. Her reply was a brief SMS indicating the 3 slots she had decided on. You checked and realized you were unable to take any of the slots with her.
You got anxious and called her immediately. She then explained that, “Oh I’m sorry, I’m so busy that I forgot to tell you that I found a friend of the same major as me who is taking this module too. Our timetables are similar so I'm taking the tutorials with her.” Hearing this, you felt betrayed that she actually planned this module with another friend without updating you.
You were left to take this module alone. You felt that she should have let you know earlier instead of you calling her up to learn about it at the last minute. She tried to ask you out as if nothing happened but you don't feel like hanging out with her for the time being.
How would you have reacted if it happened on you? Also, what do you think could be done to maintain this friendship with your close friend?
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Dear Siew Ting,
ReplyDeleteI understand your frustrations with timetable clashes putting friendships at stake. I can empathize with you on that.
Personally, I would have felt angry and frustrated at the turn of events at first. However, being one who puts logic first, I would have accepted her personal reasons, and then persuade her to change at least one slot to accommodate to my timetable.
This is not an easy request to make but basing on the logical and emotional side of me, I would reason out with myself that I am taking this module on the assumption that we are taking this language module together as friends and to spend more time together. I can understand that timetable differences may not allow us to take all 3 tutorials together, but having 10 slots available for each tutorial, surely there must be at least one time slot which can accommodate to both of our timetables. I would also ask her to invite the other friend to join us, if she does not mind, as language course are more enjoyable to learn and practice together.
I would have definitely felt betrayed since there was a ‘third party’ involved. But I will definitely not lose this friendship built up over the years. I would probably not take it to heart that she had overlooked my feelings this time because she might have agonized over the 5 days of ‘silence’, before making the decision to go with her another friend. There could be other reasons too personal which she did not reveal to me and it is friends who forgives and forgets excuses, or at least try to. I guess it is normal to avoid the person to cool off for a while , looking at decisions on hindsight helps to clear misunderstandings as well, however there should be the next step of acceptance of reality, as well as treasuring the friendship forged over the years. It could be a meet-up over lunch to exchange experiences in the different tutorial slots (if you continued taking it even if you are taking alone) or just a normal mid-semester gathering.
It would be more concise and clearer if you use more conjunctions in your descriptions, such as “ Since balloting for tutorial slots starts next week, You crossed out slots that clashes with your timetable in order for her choose. After 5 days , because you had not received any reply, You sent her a SMS to remind her about it. It was only until the night before the balloting day, that she replied a brief SMS indicating the 3 slots she had decided. It was only then you realized you could take none of the slots with her.”
Thanks for sharing.
Regards,
Weng yin
Hi Siew Ting,
ReplyDeleteI am glad to read your second post as the conflict you described is so common in the university life.
If I had been in this situation, of course I would have felt very sad and angry when I received the last minute reply and the poor excuse (“Oh I’m sorry, I’m so busy that I forgot to tell you…”).
In order to avoid elevating the conflict, I wouldn’t argue with my friend on the phone, because at that moment, I was angry and definitely it was difficult for me to focus on solving the problem itself.
After I calm down, I would carefully identify both my friend’s and my concerns. Being friends for years, I should know that forgetting to reply me is her excuse only. As she had already kept silent for five days, her decision was final and it was not appropriate for me to request her to change her choice. Instead, I should put me in her shoes. Why didn’t she choose my preferred slots? Maybe she had to wait three hours for the tutorial if she took my time slot. With this consideration, it is reasonable for her to choose a better timeslot to make a perfect timetable for the whole semester. But why didn’t she update me early? Did she ignore me? Most likely not, it may be too difficult for her to bring me, her true friend, a bad news. On the other side, what did I want in this conflict? My need was to be with my friend so that we could practice the language together and maintain the friendship.
I would try having a chat with my friend at lunch break after a few days, telling her that I could understand her decision and didn’t mind receiving the bad news early. I would also suggest that we could still practice the language together at our common break.
By the way, to prevent this conflict, I should try communicating my friend earlier within the five days via another communication channel instead of just SMS my timetable to her.
For your writing, it is very concise. Only one thing I would like to point out is that we should avoid beginning a sentence with a number that is not written out. So it could be better if you change "5 days passed and ..." to "Five days passed and ...".
With regards,
Yinbei
Hi Siew Ting,
ReplyDeleteI must say I found your scenario interesting! I feel that its more difficult to deal with a conflict sometimes when you don't want to ruin a relationship that has taken years to build, especially since you don't want to bring up past differences.
I suppose it would help me to know what kind of a person she really is before deciding what to do in the scenario you presented. If she is generally responsible, then I would definitely like to know what happened in this particular case. Clearly, if she still wanted to spend time with me as though nothing had happened, she is unaware of the hurt she has caused me and so it was inadvertent. There could be many underlying motives for her actions so there is more use in asking her about it rather than speculating. She may genuinely have been very busy or confused about something. So, after giving myself some amount of time to think rationally about it and giving her the benefit of the doubt, I would tell her that I thought we were taking the module together and at the very least, I expected her to reply in time even if we could not have a common timeslot. Hopefully, with appropriate body language and words, which show receptiveness and lack of judgement or blame, I would sound sincere to listen to her side of the story. Hopefully, any misunderstanding would be cleared and if either of us was at fault, we would ask for an apology and resolve the conflict.
When writing numbers below the value of ten, spelling out the number instead of writing the numerical. I feel that your paragraphing can be improved by having one main point per paragraph.
See you in class!
Regards,
Shilpa
Hi all,
ReplyDeleteThank you for comments again. Thanks for pointing out the need to spell out numbers below the value of ten. I did not know this is necessary (:
WengYin, yes i did felt angry at that point of time and tried persuading her to change one of her tutorial slot to accommodate my timetable. But the main thing behind this conflict is that she was not willing to attend early lesson (8 to 10am) or late lessons (4 to 6pm or 6 to 8pm) with me. Her excuse was that she will feel very tired if she takes such slots. Somehow, i felt that she was rather selfish here where she happily planned her perfect timetable and ensured that she had company for all her tutorials but instead; ignored the promise that we would be taking this module together. But don't worry, I actually forgot about this matter when we next met up with our bigger group of common friends. We are still good friends, but just deep inside me, I do not see her as a reliable person anymore.
At YinBei, I'm glad that you like my post (: And, can I ask if you encountered something like this before too? Because the description of how you felt is exactly what I felt and reacted when it happened! First, it was the poor excuse that she said that she was busy that she forgot to reply me. In fact, she actually did not open the email I sent to her only till towards the last two days. She totally ignored getting back to me while she had already planned her 'perfect timetable' as you had indicated. Secondly, I would have been more understanding if she let me know about it earlier so I could make other plans on my own too. Yes I would like to practise that language with her during our free time. But maybe because I was disappointed with her about this, we did not discuss about this topic anymore. As for the part where I could have communicated with her other than through SMS to urge her for an update, I remember that I did try talking to her when I see her online. But it was still the usual excuse of her being busy that stopped me from probing.
At Shilpa, I like the way you look at it on a bigger picture. You are aware of the many possible underlying motives and prefer asking the person in a more straightforward way rather than speculatiing. For me, I asked her everything that I felt that I need to know. In the end, I realised she just was not sincere in taking the module with me. She gave the same excuses that "she's busy", "she's tired" all over again. Maybe she was not used to coping with the stress with university school work yet. So I told her it's okay then. I carried on with my own work and forgot about this issue as time passed (:
From,
SiewTing
Dear Siew Ting
ReplyDeleteIt's a good sum up. In particular, I like Yinbei's response.
Well, thank goodness it's only about getting a module and not a job application. You don't share the common goal: have a perfect timetable.
It does seem clear to you where your relationship with her stands.
Regards
Happy